'Empathy' is a modern interpretation of 'etiquette'

Count von Hoyos, with your etiquette academy you teach people "good manners". For some people, this may seem a bit outdated and sound like a good old time that has passed. How do you transport concepts such as "manners" and "etiquette" into today's world?

First of all, we try to use these terms in a contemporary way and have developed target group-specific formats accordingly. On TikTok, for example, I present myself to my 410,000 followers as an etiquette fluencer with entertaining, short clips and a good pinch of self-irony. For managers, the entertaining element should not be missing, but for these target groups it is also about the superstructure and positive effects: How do my values influence my manners and how can I contribute to a good corporate culture? However, there is a common thread running through all formats and target groups: Nobody wants to memorize and follow a rigid, predetermined set of rules anymore. It's about bringing your behavior in line with the person you want to be. Ultimately, it's also about the big questions: Who am I? How do I come across? How do interrelated actions work?

When you visit companies and talk about rules of etiquette, do they listen to you?

There is almost always a proportion of skeptics, around a third of my audience seems doubtful at the beginning, distanced along the lines of: "Is he going to show me how to hold a knife and fork properly?" I'm not interested in formalism, but in the dynamics that our behavior triggers: Where are the boundaries between skillful and unskillful behavior, when do I act appropriately, when do I act inappropriately? Good manners can have a strong positive influence on your personal environment, while the opposite applies to bad manners. You can actually learn a lot from Baron Knigge, who said: "It is not enough to be happy yourself; you must also understand the art of making others happy." In this respect, 'empathy' is a modern interpretation of 'etiquette'.

Online, we often experience a disrespectful and polarizing culture of debate. How can good manners help to reverse this trend?

It is more difficult to positively influence online behavior than the behavior of people who look each other in the eye. Anonymity quickly tempts us to be less respectful. And then there is the fact that - as has been scientifically proven - words with negative connotations significantly increase attention in online debates. Negativism is therefore rewarded.

Do you have any tips for the digital debate culture?

I can only recommend the modern interpretation of Greek philosophy, the "Socratic sieve". Before sending, we should filter our contribution threefold: "Is it true, is it good, is it necessary?" This principle can be used to decide whether a piece of information or statement is actually worth sharing.

• Is it true? - Is the content correct and is it based on facts?
• Is it good? - Will my message make a positive or constructive contribution?
• Is it necessary? - Is my contribution relevant, does it have a benefit for the recipient?

If we applied this principle more often, much would be gained. Unfortunately, however, there are many provocateurs and people who have elevated "being against it" to a principle.

Is there also a recipe for dealing with provocateurs?

The destructive element in provocation is not just a rhetorical feint, it is a way of life. In this sense, it is important to convince people that a constructive attitude is a better approach to life than a destructive attitude - especially for oneself, because the destructive quickly falls back on one.

In fact, it is usually difficult to talk to incorrigible provocateurs and polarizers because they are not interested in the matter at hand, but only enjoy their own audacity. So when you meet a convinced provocateur, the only thing that helps, according to Knigge, is not to be misled by their "braggadocio" and to "meet them once and for all so forcefully that they lose the desire to rub up against us a second time."

Today's culture of conversation is viewed with skepticism. Are we in a downward spiral, or can you give us hope for a future with a better communication culture and better manners?

If you just look at the last 100 years, you can see the waves in the zeitgeist and its communication culture. Militarism, hippies, urban professionals, new tech, to name but a few, have each brought their own communication culture with them. The internet has radically changed our language once again. We currently communicate more via images and less via words; we live in the age of the beautiful body. But here, too, I expect a ripple effect, a renaissance of good manners in a contemporary guise. Although we probably haven't even reached the trough yet, I haven't written humanity off yet.

Photo: Rosa Lazic